Most days I wake up and wonder, “How did I
get here?” I mean, I’ve always thought things happened for a reason but it
wasn’t until this last year that I really believed
it. If you would have said to me back on May 1st, 2011 that I would be
living in Illinois pursuing a dream I never thought possible, I would have told
you you were not only crazy but stupid for believing I was capable of it. Not to
mention that I would bury two of the most important people in my life within 4
months of each other. But that’s what’s happened. My life is completely out of
control (and a little out of focus) right now and I couldn’t be happier about it.
get here?” I mean, I’ve always thought things happened for a reason but it
wasn’t until this last year that I really believed
it. If you would have said to me back on May 1st, 2011 that I would be
living in Illinois pursuing a dream I never thought possible, I would have told
you you were not only crazy but stupid for believing I was capable of it. Not to
mention that I would bury two of the most important people in my life within 4
months of each other. But that’s what’s happened. My life is completely out of
control (and a little out of focus) right now and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Gram had a stroke on May 23rd,
2011. A big one. Big enough to incapacitate her but not take her life. At least
not right away. The first time I went back home to Rensselaer after settling her
in at the farm, I thought I would die. That’s not to say that she needed me, but the thought of missing her last
moments almost killed me. So I moved to Oakland, IL and shared primary care
responsibility with Gram’s daughter. It wasn’t a difficult decision, really.
Although some members of my family were deeply concerned I was giving up my
life, moving to a remote area, with no hopes of a good future, the farm had
always been “home” to me. And I was
able to spend Gram’s last moments by her side. She left this world November
1, 2011 in her home with her family by her side.
2011. A big one. Big enough to incapacitate her but not take her life. At least
not right away. The first time I went back home to Rensselaer after settling her
in at the farm, I thought I would die. That’s not to say that she needed me, but the thought of missing her last
moments almost killed me. So I moved to Oakland, IL and shared primary care
responsibility with Gram’s daughter. It wasn’t a difficult decision, really.
Although some members of my family were deeply concerned I was giving up my
life, moving to a remote area, with no hopes of a good future, the farm had
always been “home” to me. And I was
able to spend Gram’s last moments by her side. She left this world November
1, 2011 in her home with her family by her side.
It wasn’t long after Gram’s death when it
became clear to my family that Grandpa wasn’t long for this world. My Uncle said
at Gram’s funeral, “We’ll be doing this again soon…within the year.” And he was
right. We buried my grandfather on March 14th, 2012. For some reason,
his departure was harder on me than Gram’s. I still can’t figure out why. I
adored my Grandmother. She had taken a place in our hearts and in this family
that really needed filled. She was the only Grandmother my siblings and cousins
knew and the best step-mother my father and uncle could ask for, but when
Grandpa took that last breath with his hands in ours, I thought I would stop
breathing with him. I thought my
heart was the one to stop. There are still moments today when the lack of his
life in mine hits me and I have to remind myself to take a breath; it’s really
not the end. Needless to say, I’m still dealing with his death.
My grandfather was very future minded. You
could even say he was a little bit of a “worrier”. I think I get that from him.
So almost as soon as Gram died, Grandpa started asking what my plans were….where
I was going to go?....what about school?....career? When I told him I was
staying right here with him until the end I thought his smile would break his
cheekbones. Grandpa still wanted to know more. “What about long-term?...when I’m
gone?...will you go back to school?” Knowing how important College was to
Grandpa, I told him I would definitely consider it. But in the back of mind I
knew I wasn’t meant for that.
I wasn’t meant for normal.
So I started pursuing what God wanted and what I wanted.
And that’s where the story gets good.
became clear to my family that Grandpa wasn’t long for this world. My Uncle said
at Gram’s funeral, “We’ll be doing this again soon…within the year.” And he was
right. We buried my grandfather on March 14th, 2012. For some reason,
his departure was harder on me than Gram’s. I still can’t figure out why. I
adored my Grandmother. She had taken a place in our hearts and in this family
that really needed filled. She was the only Grandmother my siblings and cousins
knew and the best step-mother my father and uncle could ask for, but when
Grandpa took that last breath with his hands in ours, I thought I would stop
breathing with him. I thought my
heart was the one to stop. There are still moments today when the lack of his
life in mine hits me and I have to remind myself to take a breath; it’s really
not the end. Needless to say, I’m still dealing with his death.
My grandfather was very future minded. You
could even say he was a little bit of a “worrier”. I think I get that from him.
So almost as soon as Gram died, Grandpa started asking what my plans were….where
I was going to go?....what about school?....career? When I told him I was
staying right here with him until the end I thought his smile would break his
cheekbones. Grandpa still wanted to know more. “What about long-term?...when I’m
gone?...will you go back to school?” Knowing how important College was to
Grandpa, I told him I would definitely consider it. But in the back of mind I
knew I wasn’t meant for that.
I wasn’t meant for normal.
So I started pursuing what God wanted and what I wanted.
And that’s where the story gets good.
I started praying differently. Instead of
asking the Lord, “Can I do this? What about this? Or this?”.
I started praying for direction. I was Samuel.
“Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening.” (1 Samuel 3:10)
And then, He spoke. One afternoon while I was watching a YouTube video
[Let’s say, for now, the video was on elephant juggling] the Lord whispered,
“That’s gonna be you.” My first thought, seriously, was, “Oh, crap” and I told
the God of ALL creation He was mistaken. (Not a good idea…) But since I had
prayed for direction and He had clearly answered me, I did some research on
elephant juggling. I read books, I watched videos, I followed articles and I prayed. I prayed hard. One
night when I was so sick and tired of not having a plan, I got on my knees and
said, once again, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening.” The room got
blurry and still. My heartbeat slowed and my breathing steadied. That was the
first time I heard the voice of The Lord God Almighty audibly.
Here’s how the conversation went, word for
word:
God-
“Megan, the desires you have to see the world, to make a difference and to be
remembered as Mine are NOT yours. No. They are the seeds I planted in your
heart when I formed you so that they may grow into MY plan for your
life.”
Me- “Lord,
are you asking what I think you are asking? Am I to be an elephant
juggler?”
God- “You
already know the answer to that.”
And just like that, I had a plan for my
life. A crazy, impossible, courageous plan for my life. I got up off the floor
that night with such strength, such resolve, such motivation. I got up off the
floor with a passion for the purpose GOD had for my life. I let go of my earthly
“wants” and started a pursuit of my Heavenly Father’s
desires.
asking the Lord, “Can I do this? What about this? Or this?”.
I started praying for direction. I was Samuel.
“Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening.” (1 Samuel 3:10)
And then, He spoke. One afternoon while I was watching a YouTube video
[Let’s say, for now, the video was on elephant juggling] the Lord whispered,
“That’s gonna be you.” My first thought, seriously, was, “Oh, crap” and I told
the God of ALL creation He was mistaken. (Not a good idea…) But since I had
prayed for direction and He had clearly answered me, I did some research on
elephant juggling. I read books, I watched videos, I followed articles and I prayed. I prayed hard. One
night when I was so sick and tired of not having a plan, I got on my knees and
said, once again, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening.” The room got
blurry and still. My heartbeat slowed and my breathing steadied. That was the
first time I heard the voice of The Lord God Almighty audibly.
Here’s how the conversation went, word for
word:
God-
“Megan, the desires you have to see the world, to make a difference and to be
remembered as Mine are NOT yours. No. They are the seeds I planted in your
heart when I formed you so that they may grow into MY plan for your
life.”
Me- “Lord,
are you asking what I think you are asking? Am I to be an elephant
juggler?”
God- “You
already know the answer to that.”
And just like that, I had a plan for my
life. A crazy, impossible, courageous plan for my life. I got up off the floor
that night with such strength, such resolve, such motivation. I got up off the
floor with a passion for the purpose GOD had for my life. I let go of my earthly
“wants” and started a pursuit of my Heavenly Father’s
desires.
Soon after that night, Grandpa went to be
with Jesus. I never got to tell him what our God had asked me to do. He might
not have even approved of the decision but I know he would’ve been proud I was
following what The Lord was saying even if he himself disagreed.
with Jesus. I never got to tell him what our God had asked me to do. He might
not have even approved of the decision but I know he would’ve been proud I was
following what The Lord was saying even if he himself disagreed.
Before I tell you what elephant juggling
really means, let me tell you how I have the strength to do it. Most of you
reading this know of my medical history. I’m not a healthy person. I take care
of myself, sure, but I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so even when I’ve done
everything right, I am still going to live every day in pain and with extreme
exhaustion. For years I asked the Lord why I had to have this disease and I’ve
discovered the answer doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter what God allowed
to happen or didn’t happen. It only matters what you allow Him to use.
Let’s see if I can break this down:
*If I didn’t have CFS, would I know how to
lean fully on Jesus for the strength I need to get through every day and pursue
a life in elephant juggling?
*If Gram had never had a stroke would
Grandpa have had the opportunity to ask the
questions that led me to seek a life of greatness instead of
necessity?
*If I had not been able to move in to the
farmhouse and care for my grandparents physically and mentally, would I still
have found a way to obtain the life skills of a primary
caregiver?
*If I had been a normal, healthy teenager
would I be where I am today? Or would I have chosen the wrong path when it was
presented to me? Would I be single and available to be an elephant
juggler?
*If my grandparents had not died this year,
would I have the courage to face my possible death with the bravery they did,
knowing my end is not the true end?
All these questions remind me of my favorite Bible story. Queen Esther. A young,
naïve Jewish girl named Hadassah becomes Queen of Persia. Her cousin Mordecai asks her to
approach the King in order to save her people, the Jews. But Esther [Hadassah]
tells him no for it will surely be her death. Mordecai, when hearing this, sends
a message to her saying, “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of
all the Jews will escape. For if you remain
silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from
another place, but you and your father’s family will perish.
And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as
this?” Queen Esther knows that Mordecai is right and
replies, “If I perish, I perish.” (Esther 4) Queen Esther enters the King’s
court uninvited and ultimately saves her people from a scheduled genocide. She
pushed through her fear of death and became a
hero.
really means, let me tell you how I have the strength to do it. Most of you
reading this know of my medical history. I’m not a healthy person. I take care
of myself, sure, but I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so even when I’ve done
everything right, I am still going to live every day in pain and with extreme
exhaustion. For years I asked the Lord why I had to have this disease and I’ve
discovered the answer doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter what God allowed
to happen or didn’t happen. It only matters what you allow Him to use.
Let’s see if I can break this down:
*If I didn’t have CFS, would I know how to
lean fully on Jesus for the strength I need to get through every day and pursue
a life in elephant juggling?
*If Gram had never had a stroke would
Grandpa have had the opportunity to ask the
questions that led me to seek a life of greatness instead of
necessity?
*If I had not been able to move in to the
farmhouse and care for my grandparents physically and mentally, would I still
have found a way to obtain the life skills of a primary
caregiver?
*If I had been a normal, healthy teenager
would I be where I am today? Or would I have chosen the wrong path when it was
presented to me? Would I be single and available to be an elephant
juggler?
*If my grandparents had not died this year,
would I have the courage to face my possible death with the bravery they did,
knowing my end is not the true end?
All these questions remind me of my favorite Bible story. Queen Esther. A young,
naïve Jewish girl named Hadassah becomes Queen of Persia. Her cousin Mordecai asks her to
approach the King in order to save her people, the Jews. But Esther [Hadassah]
tells him no for it will surely be her death. Mordecai, when hearing this, sends
a message to her saying, “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of
all the Jews will escape. For if you remain
silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from
another place, but you and your father’s family will perish.
And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as
this?” Queen Esther knows that Mordecai is right and
replies, “If I perish, I perish.” (Esther 4) Queen Esther enters the King’s
court uninvited and ultimately saves her people from a scheduled genocide. She
pushed through her fear of death and became a
hero.
And so, with the courage of Esther, the
passion of Paul, the love of Edith, the support of my family and friends, and
most importantly, with the strength of my God, I run willingly and
enthusiastically into a life of elephant juggling. I know I cannot be in this
life without God as my guide and source of all strength and power so for that
reason alone, the glory goes to Him and only Him.
passion of Paul, the love of Edith, the support of my family and friends, and
most importantly, with the strength of my God, I run willingly and
enthusiastically into a life of elephant juggling. I know I cannot be in this
life without God as my guide and source of all strength and power so for that
reason alone, the glory goes to Him and only Him.
God’s plans: In September, I will be flying
to North Carolina to start my elephant juggling orientation and training. It
will be a long and grueling process but like I said in the beginning, I couldn’t
be happier about it. God could still close every door from here to there or from
there to the next obstacle. But I am trusting Him and the words He gave me that
night by my bed. Because, it doesn’t matter what He allows, it only matters what
you allow Him to use.
So, what does elephant juggling really
mean?
Well the Lord has asked me to be a
Missionary in Africa working with women and children afflicted with HIV/AIDS.
And if you wonder why I would say yes, the answer is simple.
to North Carolina to start my elephant juggling orientation and training. It
will be a long and grueling process but like I said in the beginning, I couldn’t
be happier about it. God could still close every door from here to there or from
there to the next obstacle. But I am trusting Him and the words He gave me that
night by my bed. Because, it doesn’t matter what He allows, it only matters what
you allow Him to use.
So, what does elephant juggling really
mean?
Well the Lord has asked me to be a
Missionary in Africa working with women and children afflicted with HIV/AIDS.
And if you wonder why I would say yes, the answer is simple.
I was not created to be normal. I was created for greatness, as are we all. My
heart has ached for the children of Africa for years and honestly, I can no
longer be silent. I can no longer say I love Jesus but keep it to myself. I can
no longer look into their eyes and not tell them how loved they are. I can no
longer keep my hands and feet clean. My feet have carried “beauty” for 21 years
and I can no longer keep them hidden. So while I have my life, I will use it to
share Jesus. And, just as Esther was ready and willing- if my death will bring
more to Jesus than my life can, then bring me my death. But for now, I have a
beauty to share.
"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news! Who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"
(Isaiah 52:7)
heart has ached for the children of Africa for years and honestly, I can no
longer be silent. I can no longer say I love Jesus but keep it to myself. I can
no longer look into their eyes and not tell them how loved they are. I can no
longer keep my hands and feet clean. My feet have carried “beauty” for 21 years
and I can no longer keep them hidden. So while I have my life, I will use it to
share Jesus. And, just as Esther was ready and willing- if my death will bring
more to Jesus than my life can, then bring me my death. But for now, I have a
beauty to share.
"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news! Who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"
(Isaiah 52:7)
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